To visit or not to visit elderly parents

To visit or not to visit my elderly parents

Last Thursday my father turned 88. It had been 4 weeks since I had last seen him.  I was feeling terribly guilty about not having seen him sooner.  He lives an hour’s drive away with my mum. My brothers and sister live locally to my parents and pop in regularly, which means I don’t have to worry about their practical needs. I was looking forward to seeing them on the Saturday for a family birthday lunch as is our usual custom.

  

Then doubts flooded in. From what I’d read about preventing the spread of the Corona virus, we must behave as though we are carrying the virus since we very well could be. We can be carrying the virus and be asymptomatic then unknowingly pass it on to others including vulnerable elderly individuals.    My dad was concerned about the visit (for our sake, can you believe it)? He felt it best to leave it for a couple of weeks in which time hopefully there’d be a vaccine. I didn’t want to diminish his hopeful outlook but knew this was pure fantasy as it’ll be 12-18 months before that happens. My mum, on the other hand, said things would only get more risky as time went on and cases multiplied, so better to visit now before things got serious.

I rang my siblings.  One said stay the hell away; another said just two visitors at a time, outside, no hugs, wash hands on arrival, keep the visit short.   I was leaning towards visiting but leaving my husband and daughter behind, staying outdoors with full protective garments, and taking my own keep cup. Until… my husband informed me that a second person in the building he works in had the virus. Well that made it clear, I have to stay away.  

Ok. So it’s a necessary for me to stay away from my parents in order to protect them. But for how long? 5 months? Longer? This is unfathomable to me, cruel even.  My husband says better to stay away for 5 months and have my parents live another 5 years than risk making them fataly ill. But I don’t think they have another 5 years. And what kind of life will they be having, cooped up on their own? What of the effect on their mental health if they are cut off from family? Research is clear on the health benefits of being socially connected to others. They've had to say good bye to their beloved Bingo at the club, now this.    

I know there are alternative ways to stay connected. But my parents aren’t computer savvy. We’ve tried to teach them how to use Face Book and Messenger but they just need so much hand holding and they forget what they have learnt. My father had a stroke with some cognitive impairment and it was already challenging for him before this. So we can’t have face time with them via Skype/Whatsap/Face Book messenger etc.

I guess I can only use the means of communicating that they know and trust.

I will keep in contact by telephone – more often.  

I will send letters to them the old fashioned way – by post. Whilst it is no longer the best way to send news or information, there is something to be said for sending little envelopes of love. The unexpected surprise for the receiver, the visceral thrill of touching letter or card, can do a lot to boost someone’s spirits.  It’s an especially nice thing for a grandchild to do for their grandparents and can double up as an activity for a young child.  I once did this as an activity during the school holidays – the grandparents were thrilled.

We do what we can to stay connected.